Introspection
December 28, 2009 subjor
I think my biggest problem with being a slave is being told to do things. I know that sounds funny for a slave but it’s true. I don’t mind doing things if I want to do something, or if I’m doing it because I love my Mistress and I want to make her happy. But as soon as it becomes a command it bugs me. Like writing this journal, I was happily discussing ways to become a better slave with Mistress, but then she told me to write a journal about it explaining certain things. It annoyed me a bit, I couldn’t help but think: “I don’t want to waste my time with this.” It’s weird, I can’t help it. I feel like I still need a lot of training as a slave…
Another of my big problems with being a slave is continuing to be a slave when my Mistress isn’t watching. I think this is why sometimes I feel like a sub instead of a slave. I just haven’t developed the “headspace” everyone speaks about so often. What little of it I have completely disappears as soon as my Mistress is gone. And a lot of times… I neglect rules then. After all Mistress is gone and doesn’t know. Iunno… I lose the slave headspace so easily. I’m sorry, I’m trying to be a better slave and Mistress told me “I don’t know” isn’t acceptable any longer. So I guess I’ll try and explain better. There isn’t anything in my life that keeps me in the slave headspace all the time. Sure I have a collar and cute panties, but they’re just clothing. I love them both and would never give them up but they don’t keep me a slave. I’m hardly aware of either of them most of the time. I need something that constantly reminds me, because apparently I’m not good enough to remind myself I’m a slave.
I’m sure I have tons of more weaknesses I’m not thinking of right now or I don’t care to discuss again, but as for strengths… I can barely think of one. I’m an untrained, impatient, immature skank. What kinds of strengths do I have? Sure I’m willing to learn and try new things. I trust my Mistress with my life, but those are just building blocks. As for real strengths that show I’m a good slave, I really can’t think of a single thing.
There is so much I need to do to improve too. I know I for sure need to be given a more strict and controlling environment. If Mistress starts controlling exactly how I behave all the time, then hopefully I’ll start to accept my slavehood better and it will keep me in the head space all the time. There are so many things…
Mistress is planning on giving me a lot of punishment from now on… I think. That scares me… a lot. I hope she gives me positive reinforcement though. With the way I am… I think that might work even better then being punished. But I might just be trying to make myself happy. I just feel like if I’m a perfect slave then I should be allowed to be a happy slave… and if not.. then well… yeah…
As for goals… well…
I really just have one..
In a year I hope to be a well behaved and trained slave, one who doesn’t get upset and bitchy, one who makes her Mistress proud. I want to be an actual slave, not just a sub who likes to call herself a slave.
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