Introspection

I think my biggest problem with being a slave is being told to do things. I know that sounds funny for a slave but it’s true. I don’t mind doing things if I want to do something, or if I’m doing it because I love my Mistress and I want to make her happy. But as soon as it becomes a command it bugs me. Like writing this journal, I was happily discussing ways to become a better slave with Mistress, but then she told me to write a journal about it explaining certain things. It annoyed me a bit, I couldn’t help but think: “I don’t want to waste my time with this.” It’s weird, I can’t help it. I feel like I still need a lot of training as a slave…

Another of my big problems with being a slave is continuing to be a slave when my Mistress isn’t watching. I think this is why sometimes I feel like a sub instead of a slave.  I just haven’t developed the “headspace” everyone speaks about so often. What little of it I have completely disappears as soon as my Mistress is gone. And a lot of times… I neglect rules then. After all Mistress is gone and doesn’t know. Iunno… I lose the slave headspace so easily. I’m sorry, I’m trying to be a better slave and Mistress told me “I don’t know” isn’t acceptable any longer. So I guess I’ll try and explain better. There isn’t anything in my life that keeps me in the slave headspace all the time. Sure I have a collar and cute panties, but they’re just clothing. I love them both and would never give them up but they don’t keep me a slave. I’m hardly aware of either of them most of the time. I need something that constantly reminds me, because apparently I’m not good enough to remind myself I’m a slave.

I’m sure I have tons of more weaknesses I’m not thinking of right now or I don’t care to discuss again, but as for strengths… I can barely think of one. I’m an untrained, impatient, immature skank. What kinds of strengths do I have? Sure I’m willing to learn and try new things. I trust my Mistress with my life, but those are just building blocks. As for real strengths that show I’m a good slave, I really can’t think of a single thing.

There is so much I need to do to improve too. I know I for sure need to be given a more strict and controlling environment. If Mistress starts controlling exactly how I behave all the time, then hopefully I’ll start to accept my slavehood better and it will keep me in the head space all the time. There are so many things…

Mistress is planning on giving me a lot of punishment from now on… I think. That scares me… a lot. I hope she gives me positive reinforcement though. With the way I am… I think that might work even better then being punished. But I might just be trying to make myself happy. I just feel like if I’m a perfect slave then I should be allowed to be a happy slave… and if not.. then well… yeah…

As for goals… well…

I really just have one..

In a year I hope to be a well behaved and trained slave, one who doesn’t get upset and bitchy, one who makes her Mistress proud. I want to be an actual slave, not just a sub who likes to call herself a slave.

Add comment December 28, 2009 subjor

So Many Questions

For one, this journal entry has like 100000 questions, so answers are going to be shorter and possibly doubled up. So yeah, enjoy. And I’m eating pizza while I type! NOM NOM NOM!!!!

1 – Does being enslaved set you free or dehumanize you?

2 – Dehumanizing: Is it a goal? Is it something that is progressively worked towards?

I think my slavery sets me free (if I had to pick one of those two). If I could say anything, I think it mostly just makes me happy and I love it. I lets me be myself and have fun, and it frees me from the responsibility of having to deal with some things in life. As for dehumanizing, no I don’t think that at all describes my slavery nor is it a goal. I’m still me and I’m still a unique person. I’m just a uniquely owned person. My ownership doesn’t really fit into a category. It’s unique and fluctuating.

3 – Are you part of a “loving” M/s dynamic or not?

Yes! I love my Mistress more then anything in the world and she loves me. A non-loving M/S would just be play-partners for me.

4 – Is your slavery a gift or just part of who you are?

um… part of me? I only give my slavery to people I love and respect. Being someones slave is as much my gift to them as it is there gift to me. It’s a mutual thing.

5 – As a slave, do you feel you do/should have any rights outside of begging release?

Yes and No. There are certain things that I need to stay happy and sane, and I have those things in my relationship. If I didn’t have those things I couldn’t be in a m/s relationship. So yes I feel I have a right to them. But it’s more of an unwritten right, because Mistress could take them away if she really wanted, but she wouldn’t because she loves me.

Basically the point is that a slave shouldn’t choose a Master that wouldn’t freely give them the rights the need, because it won’t work.

6 – Are there ever things that happen in your dynamic that you consider unfair? Why?

um….. not really? Life is unfair, but it’s not my Mistress’ fault.

7 – Do you consider other slaves your brothers/sisters in slavery?

Not really

8 – Is LDR or online relationships in the M/s dynamic possible? Why?

No, maybe a little, but mostly no. It’s too… complicated of a connection to form without ever meeting. You can do it to a degree online, but it’s not the same.

9 – Should slaves have important responsibilities (i.e- working, keeping track of finances, etc.)?

Yes, slaves are people too.

10 – Is a submissive personality required to be a slave?

Yes, oh course

11 – Has slavery made you co-dependent? How do you feel about it?

By co-dependent, I’m taking it to mean that my Mistress depends on me as much as I depend on her. Then yes, we have a very co-dependent relationship. We both have tasks that we take care of and without each other we couldn’t function very well. I love it, and I think my Mistress would agree with me. It both frees us from responsibilities we’d rather not deal with. For me, a major one is finance. Because of my Mistress I don’t have to worry about money, (but I still do anyways). And likewise, I free her from a lot of the household work and math… 😄

12 – Does your slavery and marriage mesh or clash? Why?

They kind of mesh together. I’m Mistress’s slave and boyfriend. They basically just are one and the same. I can’t really imagine it any differently.

13 – Is your master strict or laid back? Which style do you prefer?

Laid back, definitely laid back. I don’t think I could deal with a strict Master 24/7. Too much work. Not a fan of high protocol. I like to have time to relax and do whatever.

14 – Is slavery a role, a status, or both?

Role?

15 – How would you feel about living in a poly situation?

16 – How do you feel about your owner having outside relationships?

Mixed feeling. It would be very fun, in some regards. I’d rather just have a play-mate. Preferably female, but if I guy is cool enough he is ok too. iunno… I’ll always be my Mistress’ slave though. But anyways feeling are more along that other slaves line then the poly relation line.

17 – What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned so far?

The Cake is a Lie.

18 – What’s the most valuable asset you give to your owner?

Math and Cooking. 😄

19 – What are the most notable changes/progression you have made in the last six months

Knowledge and skill. We’ve learned so much about kinky things. It’s awesome and Mistress is sooooo much better with rope, it makes me happy. We’ve also made lots of kinky friends and such.

20 – Where do you see yourself six months from now?

Relatively same location, physically in a different apartment. Still in school. Still with my Mistress. I really don’t want much to change right now. Wish I had more money, but other then that, I’m really happy with my life right now.

 

I typed 890 Words so Mistress can’t complain that I made this short!!!

Add comment November 16, 2009 subjor

Blanking

‘I thought I would never [BLANK] but I did and here’s the story!’ is the question I’m suppose to be answering here. I honestly have no clue what to say. There’s so much that I’ve did that I never expected to do, and some things I’ve did that I didn’t even know existed 6-months ago. I just never expected to get so involved with the community aspect of BDSM. Looking back at everything I’ve did it’s just like wow. I never expected to be a member of a bdsm house. But now I am, and it’s very fun. So yeah… lots of things I never expected to do.

 

As for the other part of this… I have no clue how I’d train another slave for my Mistress. I honestly don’t really want to, but I guess I could. They’d have to learn to do stuff though, like keeping things clean and being adorable. It’s a hard life.

Add comment November 10, 2009 subjor

Prompt

My favorite rules…. hmm.. I have no idea. I love all my rules so much. I think one of my favorite and most obvious in my daily life is always wearing cute and sexy panties. I love wearing them, they’re so comfortable and make me feel so… right. I also love it when Mistress leaves me a list of things to do. That’s probably one of my favorite parts of our d/s relationship, waking up/coming home to find a list of things to complete.

1 comment October 25, 2009 subjor

Munch!

Mistress just made me do the worst thing ever! I had to make some gross disgusting goo food for her. I can’t stand the smell of it. I feel like I’m going to puke. I had to have my eyes closed the entire time I was making it. This is the WORSE punishment ever. I’d rather get whipped and spanked till I bawled then have to touch this stuff again. Pleasssse don’t make me Mistress!

Now she’s threatening me with it. It’s so gross. I want it to go away. I can’t stand it! *whimpers* I wish she’d never have picked it up in the store. I can’t even focus with that smell in the house. I think I’m going to go open the window.

In other news, I’m REALLLLLLLLLY excited for Friday. I’m going to my first play party! I’m also kind of scared for it though. Mistress wants me to wear my French Maid outfit. Yeah… x_x I feel like it’s going to be awkward. I’m fine with bringing it. But I’m scared to change into it if I’m not comfortable. Iunno… we’ll see how that goes. I’m really nervous. I hope someone plays with me though.

Last weekend we went to a munch. It was really sweet. I liked meeting all the new people, and it was a lot more… talkative then the other group we’re part of. I think I’m really going to like being a part of it. Hopefully I’ll be able to meet some play partners. =)

Add comment October 8, 2009 subjor

Goals

1) I would like to be able to take more pain without getting whiny and bitch. I want to be able to show off all my pretty marks I get from being played with. =)

2) I want to be more obedient and act more like a slave. I plan on getting position trained and learning to actually follow my rules. If this means I need to be punished when I don’t, I guess that’s the prince I’ll have to pay.

3) I want to have some awesome play wear/fetish wear. Working on getting a job so I can afford some!

4) I want to attend a play party. Hopefully this one will be getting done soon. I also hope to meet potential play partners and have some fun playing with different people.

5) I want to be suspended. I realllly wanna do suspension bondage. Hopefully I’ll be able to get in a position where someone can do it to me in a scene. =)

6) I want an actual collar to put my leash on. We’re planning on getting one soon also, so this should get completed first. =)

7) Go to Sinsations. =) i hope to go with my BDSM club. It will be awesome.

8) I want m Mistress to get really good with rope. Then she’ll be able to tie me up in all kinds of fun and awesome ways. I’ll help her learn by being her test dummy whenever she wants. I promise I’ll be good and sit still for however long you need to practice.

9) I want to stop being all sqeemy about anal. Um.. don’t really know how I plan to work on this, but I’ll try. I think Mistress has a butt plug coming in the mail, so that will probably help.

10) I hope to be well known in our local community. I want to be an awesome subbie who everyone likes to play with. I plan on doing this by getting out there and meeting people. We’ll see what happens. =)

Add comment October 1, 2009 subjor

Wants and Needs

Things I Need:

  • To stop being a whiny bitch ~ I need to stop being a whiny bitch, it’s making me a horrible sub at times. I wish I could just shut up sometimes. But at times I get really moody and don’t want to be a sub right then. Then I end up acting like a brat and it never ends good. I need to learn to get over this and think more about my role as a slave and less about my mood at any given time.
  • To make my Mistress always be happy
  • To be loved ~ I’m very needy, I need to feel valued and loved. I want to make my Mistress proud and happy and I want her to love me. Hopefully I’m being a good slave.
  • To be owned
  • A Job ~ I don’t really want a job, but I need to get one. The extra income would help a lot. I’m looking right now though.

Things I Want:

  • To have a higher pain tolerance ~ I really wish I could take more pain, I want to play rough and hard like I see everyone else doing, but I always tend to whimp out after too much pain. I want to make my Mistress proud at our first play party by showing off what an amazing sub I am. Hopefully by the time we go to one, I’ll be able to take getting a few marks without getting all whiny.
  • Boots, Platform Heels, PVC clothes, Gloves, and other fun things to wear!
  • To go to my first play party!!! ~ I’m so excited to play with new people and have fun. I’m jealous of all the other subs who get played with by everyone. I wish it was me.
  • New Toys: Violet Wand, Shackles, Rope, bondage things, Cane
  • Friends to play with and hang out with.
  • To get better grades in my classes ~ I don’t like getting C’s and B’s. I miss getting A’s like I did in High School. But at least I’m getting by, so it’s all good.
  • Video Games: Demon Souls, Scribblenauts, ect

Add comment September 30, 2009 subjor

mew

Today was interesting. Iunno. I think I like Cuffs. I like most of the people in it. I hoping to make some good friends there. I don’t know what to do with Mistress though. She gets so upset and emotional… I just want her to be happy.

Five Things I’m Happy for Today:

1) Still Being Mistress’ subby. I was worried that she was going to disown me. We got in a fight today and she threatened to disown me. She actually did take away my collar for a bit. I help so alone and helpless, all I could do was cry. I never want to live without my Mistress

2) Doing better then Mistress at a test in her major. It makes me giggle on the inside. I told her she should have read the book. Hopefully next time she’ll try harder and listen to her ibbles.

3) Cuddly Blankets. They keep me warm and protect me. Even when I want to just curl up and cry.

4) Dylan talking to us. At least we have some friends. Yay for not being completely isolated and emo.

5) Cuffs for providing a fun community to get to know people in. Even if it does make Kayla all sad and emo. Hopefully it will get less… troubling.

Add comment September 18, 2009 subjor

Oodles of Questions Before I can Eat Yummy Pancakes.

My post got deleted…. I’m kind of pissed now. I typed a bunch of really good answers, and now they all got deleted… so we’ll try and make this as good… Stupid WordPress.

The reason I got into a M/S relationship was because it felt natural to me. I’ve always been interested in bondage and crossdressing. I’m also a somewhat submissive person… so I dunno, one thing lead to another. There was no single choice to get into a bdsm type lifestyle, it just kind of happened and I’ve never looked back. I love it, so I guess I made the right choice. I feel like being in a M/S relationship has made us closer and more intimate then we would have been in just a vanilla type relationship. I love my Mistress and I’d do anything for her. I just feel closer to her when I’m serving her. I’d trust her with my life.

I think the hardest part of being a slave is always having to follow orders. Some days it’s just like “RAWR I don’t want to do anything.” or “RAWR just leave me alone and let me do my own things.” but all in all it’s worth it. I love being a sub and I love the feeling of being dominated. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I could probably see myself staying in this lifestyle for the rest of my life. It may not always stay 24/7 but it would never completely fade away. This is an important part of my life. I’m so much more happier when I’m subbing.

I think my favorite rule would have to be having to always wear girl undies. I also enjoy having to sit to pee. I love wearing panties, and having it be a rule doesn’t give me a choice or the option to get scared and not where them. Plus, everything is better when you don’t have a choice. =) My least favorite rule would have to be only being allowed to pee when I’m told. Sometimes it’s amazing, but often it’s extremely annoying. It’s probably the only rule the I knowingly break from time to time. If I break any other rules it’s because I forget.

I don’t really think I have any limits as a sub. Pretty much anything is fine by me. I guess that is probably opening myself up to some bad things. But so far nothing bad has come of it. Plus I love the thrill of not knowing what is going to happen. So, no limits it is.

Add comment September 17, 2009 subjor

Pain

Weird dreams tonight, weird day too. I just woke up in the middle of the night and iunno, very wtf. I didn’t go to bed horny or anything… so the dreams just kind of came by themselves. In my dream I was being played with, rough. They were taking turns using a violet wand and a wartenburg wheel down my entire body. It burned and felt amazing a the same time. Ever since I felt it for the first time IRL today I’ve wanted more. It hurt more then anything I’ve had so far, but it was a different kind of hurting. I didn’t want to pull away like I normally do from pain, all I wanted was more of it. Even the little marks it burned down my hand turned me on, I’m sad they’ve already faded. I want them to stay. But the most amazing thing about it was afterwards, my entire arm, even a lot of my body felt weird. It was kind of like the feeling I love about being tied up. The light headedness, the tingling in your limbs. I don’t really know how to explain it, it just feels like your slipping away. It’s so amazing.

Anyways, back to the dream. I was begging for them to turn it up. Begging for them to not stop. I was squirming around trying to make them run it down my back just one more time, then it got strange. I heard Mistress tell me to stop twitching. I tried to put her hand on my back. I wanted her to claw it, rough. I wanted to bleed. I kept squirming around for it bit, trying to get her to be rough with me. Slowly though, I started to figure out that I was just waking up in my bed with her. Iunno, it was very wtf, the transistion from sleeping and dreaming to being awake. I didn’t really realize or notice it. All I wanted was someone to hurt me. Once I “woke up” I was a bit freaked out. Plus a bit embarassed about what I’m going to talk about next…

Probably the most disturbing part of the dream was who was there. Mistress wasn’t there, that’s why it freaked me out when I “woke up”, I really didn’t realize I was at home. Instead it was actually someone I met tonight and another person who I’ve been talking to for awhile now. (Mistress will know who I mean). Iunno… that’s just kind of strange. Not sure why it bothers me but it does.

This is how I think I can explain it. I don’t want Mistress to get upset by this though. But I don’t associate her with pain. I love her and iunno… maybe love is bad for rough s/m relations. Iunno why the girl I’ve been talking to for a bit was there. I find it a bit.. iunno… she’s a sub, but I like her. iunno… I might be crushing on her a bit. It’s not like I love Mistress any less. Just lately, I’ve been being exposed to a lot of new things, and wanting to try a lot more new things (sexually). iunno, I feel the more I’m meeting people, the more adventurous I’m getting. And the more excited I am to try things with different people. I blame last night with (I hate using “scene names” but real names are bad so yeah…), It was exciting to have someone different. They did things differently and I didn’t know what to expect. With Mistress, it’s not as mysterious, I know how she does things. I still love her more then anything in the world, so I don’t want her to think something bad like that. I’m just trying to explain myself. And she knows I randomly girl crush on people. They just normally happen to be really dumb people…

Iunno why he was in my dream though 0.o Don’t have a reason for that yet.

I just really want to try out new things… and go deeper. I guess I’m done typing for now. I don’t really know what else to say…

Add comment September 15, 2009 subjor

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